1st parenting info

B6---Time Out

2006-12-20T14:16:00.001+07:00

Time out is a very effective discipline technique and will work with children as young as 18-24 months old. By using this method of discipline you are giving your child time out from positive reinforcement (which includes any parental reaction such as yelling or hitting) after he misbehaves. Prepare a time out chair, which can be a chair in any room of the house, a space on the floor, the child's bed, etc… or any place where he is isolated from interaction with others. Use a kitchen timer to count down your child's punishment time, which is usually one minute per year of age.

Unlike the way it is used for older kids, time out for toddlers is more so that you can give your child time to regroup and calm down. A toddler will likely not sit still in a time out chair, even for a minute or two, and you shouldn't try to force him to or wait for time out to start until he has been quite.

When you want your child to follow a command, ask him in a firm, but pleasant voice. Allow your child about five seconds to do what you have asked, and if he does not, then make direct eye contact with him and say "If you do not do what I asked, then you are going to sit in time-out" (and point to his time out chair). After this warning, if he still does not do what you have asked, then say something like "You have not done what I asked, so you have to go to your time out chair." Give these commands in a louder and firmer voice to get your child's attention, but do not yell or get angry.

Now calmly take him to his time out chair, ignoring any protests or promises he may make, and say "You stay in your time out chair until I tell you to get up." He must now stay in time out until he has been quiet for the punishment time you have set for him (usually one minute per year of age). Remember that, for older kids who are being defiant, time out does not begin until your child has been quiet, even if takes several minutes or an hour. That doesn't apply to younger toddlers and preschool age children though.

After an older child completes his time out, then he is to agree to do what you had told him to do or if he had been misbehaving, and agree to not to it again, otherwise he is to go into time out again. Again this doean't usually apply to toddlers or younger preschool age kids.

If your child leaves the time out chair, put him back in the chair and warn him "If you get out of the chair again, I am going to discipline you (by removing some desired activity/possession, etc.)". If he gets up again, just put him back in the chair without warning him again and apply the discipline technique. If he continues to get out of the chair, you can consider sending him to his room, or another room in your home, for the time out period (remove all toys, TV, video games, etc…).

You should probably only pick one or two forms of misbehavior that you will discipline with time out when you first start to use this method.

Remember that this is just one method of using time out and you will likely have to modify it to fit your own parenting style and your child's temperament. If it isn't working for you, especially if you are having to use time out several times a day, or your child doesn't quickly go to time out, then you should likely look for a different discipline technique or a different way of using this one.

And always remember that it is better to support and encourage good behavior instead of trying to eliminate bad behaviors.

Time out can also be used outside of the home, such as in stores, restaurants, etc. If your child often misbehaves in a certain setting, such as the grocery store, you should stop before entering the store and go over the rules that you expect your child to follow. Also, give a warning about what will happen if he misbehaves inside the store. If he does break one of the rules inside the store, you should now place him in time out.

B5---Discipline Techniques

2006-12-20T14:14:00.001+07:00

The following discipline techniques can help you effectively discipline your kids:

Use distraction to get your child's attention away from inappropriate behaviors.

Stop inappropriate behaviors with a firm 'no' while looking your child in the eyes.

Physically move your child when he is misbehaving, especially if he didn't respond to your firm 'no.'

Use extinction to remove attention from undesirable actions. As long as your child can't hurt himself, you can walk away and not give him attention or an audience for acting inappropriately, especially if he is having a temper tantrum. Giving too much attention to your child when he misbehaves can reinforce bad behaviors.

Use natural consequences (rewards) to let your child learn the results or consequences of his actions. For example, if he throws a toy out the window, then he can't play with it anymore.

Use logical consequences (rewards), for example, if he doesn't put away his bike, then you will do it, but he won't be able to ride it for the rest of the day. For older children, not filling the car with gas can have the consequence of not getting to use the car this week, etc.

Use time-out to remove positive reinforcement or attention when he misbehaves.

Withholding privileges is a very effective discipline technique, especially for older children. Find things that he likes or especially enjoys (playing video games, renting movies, going to the mall, talking on the phone), and then take it away as a consequence for misbehaving.

B4---Effective Discipline Tips

2006-12-20T14:13:00.003+07:00

The following are some general tips to help you effectively discipline your kids:

Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. This applies to all caregivers. Your child should learn to understand that there are predictable consequences for his actions.

Think ahead. Be prepared for what you are going to do and say to help your child understand the consequences of his actions. Don't just wing it, or do or say the first thing that pops into your head. You are more likely to react negatively if you haven't thought out your plan for discipline beforehand.

Set up a daily routine for your younger children and try and stick to it each day. This should include mealtimes, snacks, bath and bedtime.

Provide a safe environment that encourages exploration, but protects your child. For example, you can prevent your toddler from getting in trouble for opening drawers and cabinets if you have safety locks preventing them from opening.

Set limits that are appropriate for your child's age and developmental level. Remember that you are in charge and that you will have to say 'no' to your child sometimes. You should expect your child to cry when he does not get his way. This is a normal way of dealing with frustration in younger children and should be ignored. You should also ignore temper tantrums.

Do not offer choices in situations where you child has to cooperate with your rules. For example, instead of saying 'do you want to take a bath?' you should instead say 'it is time for your bath.'

Don't give in to your child when he is whining, crying or having a temper tantrum. If you do, it will only teach him that this kind of behavior is an appropriate way to get what he wants.

Learn to ignore minor, harmless or unimportant misbehaviors, such as fidgeting.

Make punishments and rewards immediate. Avoid waiting more than a few minutes to provide the consequences of a behavior.

Avoid repeating commands. You should give a command and if not followed, then you can repeat it once with a warning of what the consequences for noncompliance will be. If not followed, then apply the consequences. Do not continue to repeat the command.

Don't argue with your child about the punishment. Ignore any protests. You can talk about it later.

Plan ahead. If you always have difficulty in certain situations, such as shopping or having visitors, go over a plan of action beforehand, which includes what your expectations are and what the consequences of misbehavior will be.

Be flexible, especially with older children and adolescents. Listen and get your child's input on some rules and punishment.

Use 'I' messages, instead of 'you' messages. For example, say 'I am upset that you didn't clean up your room,' instead of 'You made me upset for not cleaning up.' 'You' statements can seem more accusatory and can lead to arguing.

After disciplining your child, briefly explain the rule and what your expectations are when he misbehaves and explain what the proper behavior would have been.

B3---Encouraging Good Behavior

2006-12-20T14:13:00.001+07:00

The first step to better discipline is to learn to encourage good behavior in your child. It is much easier to reinforce good behavior than to have to try and change bad behaviors. Here are some tips for encouraging better behavior:

Reinforce good behavior by offering praise when he does well and learn to pay positive attention to your child. Children seek approval for the things that they do, especially from their parents. Let your child know if he is following the rules or has done something, or made an effort to do something that you wanted. Give him a hug, kiss or smile if he has been sitting quietly, completes a chore without problems, or is playing cooperatively. Also give verbal signs of approval, such as 'Great Job,' or 'I like it when you…' Be sure to comment on specific behaviors or actions.

Give him choices. This allows your child some feeling of independence. For example, offer a choice between setting the table or taking out the trash.

Make good behavior fun. Your child is more likely to comply if he is enjoying himself. For example, say 'let's see who can pick up the most toys.'

Establish a reward system to promote good behavior.

B2---Parenting Styles

2006-12-20T14:12:00.001+07:00

Although there is no one right way to discipline and raise your kids, parents who are authoritarian (overly strict and bossy, believing in 'absolute obedience to authority' and creating children that are afraid of them and fearful of new challenges and experiences) or permissive (overly lenient, without setting any limits and creating children who are spoiled and disrespectful and unable to make their own choices) are more likely to run into trouble with their children's future behavior.

An authoritative style of parenting is more likely to be successful in the long run. Parents who are authoritative set rules and limits, but explain why they are necessary and take their children's point of view into account when making the rules. They communicate regularly with their children and encourage them to be independent.

Another way of thinking about the different parenting styles is that authoritarian parents are overly controlling, permissive parents have little control over their children and authoritative parents have just the right amount of control.

B1---Discipline Guide

2006-12-20T14:10:00.001+07:00

Learning how to effectively discipline your child is an important skill that all parents need to learn. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Instead, discipline has to do more with teaching, and involves teaching your child right from wrong, how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, with a goal of helping to develop a child who feels secure and loved, is self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his impulses, and who does not get overly frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life.

If you are having difficulty disciplining your child, it is important to remember that you may not be doing anything wrong. All children are different and have different temperaments and developmental levels and a style of discipline that may work with other children may not work with yours.

You should understand that how you behave when disciplining your child will help to determine how your child is going to behave or misbehave in the future. If you give in after your child repeatedly argues, becomes violent or has a temper tantrum, then he will learn to repeat this behavior because he knows you may eventually give in (even if it is only once in a while that you do give in). If you are firm and consistent then he will learn that it doesn't pay to fight doing what he is eventually going to have to do anyway. Some children, however, will feel like they won if they put off doing something that they didn't want to do for even a few minutes.

Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. This applies to all caregivers. It is normal for children to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent in what these limits are, then you will be encouraging more misbehavior.

Important Reminders about Discipline:

Stay calm and do not get carried away when your child misbehaves. Avoid yelling and screaming, since this can teach your child that it is all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If you feel like things are escalating too much, then take a break until you can regain your composure.
Avoid too much criticism. Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him.
Avoid too much praise. You don't need to be continuously praising your child, especially for routine activities, because it will make your comments less effective.
Don't focus on negatives all of the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say 'I like that you put all of your clothes away,' instead of saying 'I like that, for once, you finally got around to putting your clothes away without my asking.'
Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment and will make your child more aggressive and angry.
Remember to give rewards and praise for good behavior.
Understand the difference between rewards and bribes. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.
Be a good role model.
Most importantly, provide your child with a safe environment in which he feels secure and loved.

A6---Potty Training Problems

2006-12-20T14:07:00.003+07:00

You are in the midst of toilet training. Things appear to be going relatively well. Your child appears to understand when she needs to use the potty, and is using it with some regularity. However, there's just one thing...

Problem #1: Your child is toilet trained at daycare/preschool but refuses to use the toilet at home.

This can be particularly frustrating for parents, as you know that your child can do it, but is just refusing to do it at home. Interestingly, I have found that this tends to occur in younger children (closer to 2 years of age), hence it may be more of a maturational issue.

Things to keep in mind:

Your child may be feeling little to no pressure at school/daycare to use the potty as it may be merely "part of the routine" (all the children go to the bathroom at the same time so your child is not singled out).
Copying what other kids do (or better yet, the older kids) is terrific incentive for a child, as opposed to parental pressure.
As frustrating as it may be, kids will sometimes do things for teachers they won't do for parents (i.e. they know which buttons they can push in whom!).

So what's a parent to do? Here are some things to try:

Depending on your child's age, level of language ability, and developmental level (i.e. a child closer to 3 years of age or older), it may be worthwhile trying to discuss this with your child. Keep it neutral and without pressure ("That's so wonderful you are using the potty at school, your potty is here waiting when you are ready to use it at home").
Discussions with daycare providers/teachers may also shed light on the problem (What is their routine? what do they say or do with the children?).
But most importantly, in this situation, especially if your child is closer to the age of two years, mere patience and backing off will frequently do the trick. Your child has taken a big step in using the potty at daycare. For whatever reason, s/he may not be ready to use the potty at home. You know s/he is capable, it's just a mindset to get over. If there is no pressure on your part, your child will come around eventually.

Problem #2: Your child is completely urine trained. However, she continues to refuse to use the potty for bowel movements and specifically requests a diaper when she needs to have a bowel movement.

This problem is not all that unusual, and it may be attributed to either a fear of having a bowel movement in the toilet, the security of a diaper, or a coordination issue.

Things to try:

Again, being patient and backing off may be your best bet, especially if your child is on the younger side (less than three years of age).
If ongoing for several months, now may be the time to take some parental initiative. As per Dr. Iannelli's article ( Toilet Training Resistance), now may be the time to have the child go to the bathroom for bowel movements, gradually have the child sit on the potty with a diaper on, and eventually take it off to have a bowel movement. For those children who the diaper seems to lend much security, some experts even recommend cutting a hole in the diaper and allowing the child to wear the diaper on the potty, but having the BM go into the toilet.
If you notice that your child always stands to have a bowel movement, posture may be more the issue than the security of the diaper. Focus on having your child stand (or whatever transitional stance s/he needs)over the potty and then gradually go to sitting. In one particular example, a mother told me that she let her child be naked from waist down and allowed him to run back and forth to the bathroom, essentially allowing him to experiment with different stances, until he was able to have a bowel movement sitting on the potty. She found that once he was successful sitting on the potty, he was able to do it subsequently.

Problem #3: You know that your child can use the potty, but she is being very erratic and staying motivated seems to be the problem.

Here is a situation where you may want to consider offering rewards for using the potty.

On the pro side:

Experts and parents alike have found rewards to be helpful.
It is frequently the incentive your child needs to get started (or to stay motivated).

On the down side:

Other experts discourage use of rewards for behavior, as they feel that the child should be motivated from within to use the potty.
Some children may not clearly understand and want a reward when unearned. This may cause more trouble than it's worth.
Candy, a very powerful and frequently used motivator, is the worst reward. Not only is it problematic with dental care, but it may also interfere with meals; and it is not uncommon to have a child peeing a drop of urine every 5 minutes for a candy treat.
Certain children may prove stubborn (or should I say resilient) enough and prolong the reward system for months.
Some children no matter what you try, will not be enticed by stickers, small toys or other rewards.

Conclusions:

Rewards do work for some, but not all children.
Keep rewards tangible and simple (i.e. 10 stickers to get a small prize may be too many for some children).
If a child does not understand or is easily frustrated by the reward system you create, it's best to not use it.
For the sake of your child's teeth and dietary habits, don't use candy!
Know when to end it. When mastery is achieved, it's time to stop the rewards. Frequently kids lose interest as their mastery of toilet training occurs and you may have no trouble. Others may hang on. Sometimes in a very stubborn child one can trade the reward chart/system for one "final toy".

Final words on toilet training (as it is onward to Sibling issues for my next series of articles): Patience and Perspective! I know I sound like a broken record, but it is true, your child will not be in diapers forever, and patience is a necessary component on the parent's part. Also, it's good to keep perspective when you hit a stumbling point: this is just a small snag and your child will be toilet trained.

A5---Potty Training Resistance

2006-12-20T14:07:00.001+07:00

While most children show signs of physical readiness to begin using the toilet as toddlers, usually between 18 months and 3 years of age, not all children have the intellectual and/or psychological readiness to be potty trained at this age.

Signs of physical readiness can include your being able to tell when your child is about to urinate or have a bowel movement by his facial expressions, posture or by what he says, staying dry for at least 2 hours at a time, and having regular bowel movements.

Signs of intellectual and psychological readiness include being able to follow simple instructions and being cooperative, being uncomfortable with dirty diapers and wanting them to be changed, recognizing when he has a full bladder or needs to have a bowel movement, being able to tell you when he needs to urinate or have a bowel movement, asking to use the potty chair, or asking to wear regular underwear.

Things to avoid when toilet training your child, and help prevent resistance, are beginning during a stressful time or period of change in the family (moving, new baby, etc.), pushing your child too fast, and punishing mistakes (treat accidents and mistakes lightly). Be sure to go at your child's pace and show strong encouragement and praise when he is successful.

Even after he begins to use the potty, it is normal to have accidents and for him to regress or relapse at times and refuse to use the potty. The process of being fully potty trained, with your child recognizing when he has to go to the potty, physically goes to the bathroom and pulls down his pants, urinates or has a bowel movement in the potty, and dresses himself, can take time, often up to three to six months for most children. Having accidents or occasionally refusing to use the potty is normal and not considered resistance.

While it is recommended that you don't insist that he sits on the potty and you should be prepared to delay training if he shows resistance, at some point if his resistance to using the potty persists, especially after he is 3 -3 1/2 years old, then you should consider him resistant to potty training and you will need to change your methods.

Early on in the training, especially if your child is less than 3 - 3 1/2 years old, resistance should be treated by just discontinuing training for a few weeks or a month and then trying again. At this age (18 months to 3 years), resistance is usually because your child just isn't ready to begin training.

Potty training resistance usually occurs because your child has had a bad experience at some point during potty training, especially if he was started before he was intellectually or psycholgoically ready. Other times, especially with strong willed or stubborn children, it may have nothing to do with your technique or timing, and you may have done nothing wrong.

Reasons for developing a resistance to potty training can include:

being scared to sit on the potty chair
flushing the toilet may have scared him from wanting to sit on the toilet
being pushed too early or fast before he was ready
severe punishment for not using the potty or being forced to sit on the potty
inconsistant training, especially among different caregivers
he may have had a painful bowel movement from being constipated. If this is the case, treat his constipation and wait until he is having regular, soft bowel movements before you begin training again.
or he may just be stubborn and is involved in a power struggle with his parents and is using his control over where he has a bowel movement
he may enjoy the negative attention he gets from not using the potty or from having accidents
although rare, there are medical conditions that can make it difficult for your child to hold in or delay urinating or having a bowel movement. Discuss with your Pediatrician if there are any medical reasons why you may be having a hard time teaching your child to use potty, especially if he seems to have other delays in his development.

At this point, if your child is totally resistant to being potty trained, then it is best to just make him responsible for when he wants to use the toilet. This includes not punishing him for mistakes and not reminding him to use the potty. If he seems fearful, you can try and discuss calmly what it is about using the potty that scares him.

While you may get a lot of negative feedback from friends or family members about not being more aggressive with getting your child potty trained, you should be firm and let them know that you are working on it and remind them that not all children potty train at the same time.

In addition, it can be helpful if you:

establish a reward or incentive for using the potty. This should include lots of praise and attention when he uses the potty. It can also include a star or reward chart on which you child can place stickers whenever he uses the potty. After a certain number of days that he has stickers, then he can get a reward, such as toy, etc.
have your child be involved in changing himself when he wets or soils himself. This can include getting a new diaper, taking the dirty diaper off, cleaning himself (although he will probably need help after bowel movements), and throwing the dirty diaper away.
At some point you can change him into regular underware. You can talk about it beforehand and maybe have a ceremony where he throws away the left over diapers or you may just decide not to buy any new ones. Now, when he does wet or soil himself, you can have him help to clean out his underware in the sink or bathtub. You may even have him put them in the washing machine and wait with you while they are getting washed and dried. He should then dress himself. This method is not for everyone, but is usually very effective. You can also have him clean up after himself if he wet or soiled the floor.
Limit him to having BMs in the bathroom. This isn't always possible, but is easy if he always asks for a diaper just to have a bowel movement. Next, have him sit on the potty to have a bowel movement, even if he continues to wear his diaper. Then work on getting his diaper off by opening it and eventually taking it off. During this process, you should give lots of praise and rewards during each step.
If he is having a hard time learning to use the potty, but isn't necessarily resistant to the idea, then developing a regular daily routine of sitting on the potty for five or ten minutes every few hours may be helpful.
Most importantly, avoid physical punishment for not using the potty, even in an older child. It can be appropriate to verbally let him know that you disapprove of his not using the potty, but this should not get to the point of yelling, shaming or nagging.

A4---Starting Potty Training II

2006-12-20T14:06:00.001+07:00

OK! We're ready to start toilet training!

By the time you've finished with the preparation (discussions, videos, books), purchasing the potty chair and underwear/pull-ups, most children will have started making some associations between peeing/pooping and the potty. For some it may be peeing in his/her diaper, announcing that she needs to pee and running to the potty after the fact. For others, it may be actual successes on the potty. And yet, for others it may be the mere recognition of peeing in his/her diaper. This is the time to start watching your child's body signals closely.

Most children will have a tell tale stance, facial expression ("the look"), or routine (running to another room) when having a bowel movement. When you notice that your child is about to have a bowel movement (especially helpful if there is a particular time of day your child does it) this is the time to say "Shall we go sit on the potty?" If willing, take your child to the potty. Sometimes reading books will help your child relax while sitting on the potty. However, this may also end up being a "reading fest" so I would try to limit the book reading to only what's necessary. Additionally, some children may want " privacy" and helping them sit on the potty and then leaving (letting them know that when they are done they should let you know) may prove the most successful.

Recognizing when your child is urinating is a bit harder. Some children, especially as they get older and are voiding less frequently, will stop momentarily to pee. Some will even squat. Frequently watching their fluid intake is more helpful. If your child has had a large amount of fluid, taking him/her to the potty 30 minutes to an hour after drinking will maximize success, and help your child recognize the connection between bladder fullness and peeing.

Every child is different, and some children will be "bowel" trained before being "bladder" trained and vice versa. Whichever may be first, keep in mind that it is usually one before the other and not both simultaneously. Additionally, day-time dryness almost always comes before night-time dryness and may precede it by several months.

Now that the process has started, here are some additional things to keep in mind:

Patience! Patience! Patience!

Toilet training is a big process. Some experts feel that it is the first and biggest developmental step your child will take. The process generally takes several weeks to several months to complete.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Don't be discouraged if you have a few good days followed by a few bad. Again, it's a process that's going to take time. Also keep in mind that when your child is tired or upset this is the most common time for accidents or setbacks to occur.

Know when to back off

If you are pushing too hard, your child may "push" back with more accidents and/or resistance. Take the control out of the issue and step back. It is ok to take a few days or even few weeks "off" . Your child will recognize the power struggle is gone and relax and respond to it.

A final word: As hard as it may be to admit or realize, toilet training is truly in the control of your child. All you can do is be supportive and encouraging and set the stage for success. Keep in mind that your child will probably be toilet trained when she is ready, NOT necessarily when you are ready. If you are experiencing major difficulties, it may be time to sit back, re-examine the situation and ask yourself if your child is truly ready (see article on readiness). If you are meeting up with a lot of resistance in a child that is ready, it is time to examine those issues.

A3---Starting Potty Training

2006-12-20T14:05:00.003+07:00

You've been waiting for the signals. Your child seems to recognize when she is peeing or pooping. And, miraculously, your child is actually telling you from time to time! ("I peed!" or "I pooped!"). She is dry after naps and occasionally upon awakening in the morning.

Now is the time to set the stage if you haven't done so already. Discussing using the toilet, reading about it, and even watching videos is just as important as the process itself. The more your child understands, the more successful toilet training will be.

Discussions of using the toilet are just that. If you haven't done so already, let your child see you and other family members using the toilet (modeling). Let your child know that when she is ready, she can do the same thing. If she has a little friend that is about the same age that is using the toilet, that can also be mentioned (nothing like some peer pressure!). If you notice that she is peeing or pooping, remark on it: "Are you peeing?"...especially if she is in the tub or naked and both of you are observing this act. Follow the observational comment with something positive, like "Let me know when you are ready to try peeing/pooping in the potty!" or "Next time we can try peeing in the potty if you like". Ongoing observational remarks and comments of "when you are ready" let the child know that there is no pressure to start, and that the choice is hers.

Books and videos are wonderful adjuncts to the discussions you have with your child. They help reinforce the ideas you have discussed. And, they see other "kids" or "characters" undergoing the same process, which will help your child understand the whole process.

If you haven't done so already, now is a good time to get the potty "ready" (i.e. purchase a potty chair or child sized potty seat that fits over toilet seat) and to buy some underwear or pull-ups.

Some things to consider regarding your potty "set up" is that there are several potty chairs out there. You needn't spend a fortune on one, but:

make sure that it is sturdy. The last thing you want is for it to collapse while your child is sitting on it!
make sure the "pot" part (where the pee and poop end up) of the chair is secure and empties easily for easy cleaning and minimal spilling.

It is also a nice idea, if your child is interested, to have your child help pick the potty chair. If there is something about the potty chair your child does not like (and believe me, you never know what a 2-3 year old might find fault in!), she may be resistant to using it........and that's the last thing you need!

Most children do start out with a potty chair, but if your child is older (around 3 years of age or older) or has an older sibling, she may prefer to use the "real" toilet first. In this case, a child-sized seat which fits over the toilet would be most helpful. Stability of the seat is probably the most when picking a potty seat. Find one that has the least amount of "wiggle" and does not feel like its going to collapse under the weight of the child. Make sure also, that there aren't any parts that may pinch the child. If your child doesn't feel secure on the potty seat, she may not feel comfortable enough to pee or poop in it.

The next consideration is pull-ups vs. underwear vs. training pants.

Things to keep in mind:

Pull-ups are very convenient and useful when first starting out. They are great for bedtime and naps. However, some children learn quickly that it is just like a diaper, and start using it as such. Similarly, some children may not care if they have peed/pooped in their pull-up because it is as absorbent as a diaper, and hence a wet/dirty pull-up does not motivate the child to use the potty. I would recommend pull-ups when the child is showing a lot of interest but not much consistency. It is nice to use the pull-up when they are running to the bathroom frequently (as diaper tabs generally start to wear out after awhile) with or without success. Not only are the pull-ups easier when using the potty, but they are "different" from diapers and the child will feel more "grown-up". Once your child gets the hang of it, transitioning to underwear would be the next step.
There is not too much difference between training pants vs. underwear. Training pants do have a layer that is meant to absorb more urine than regular underwear, but I have found that there is still a puddle on the floor after an accident regardless of the type of underwear. However, a little help may be better than none. The advantage that underwear has over pull-ups, is that the child definitely feels when she is wet/dirty which can help encourage/motivate a child to use the potty. Also, cleaning up after an accident takes longer and hence may serve as a deterrent to further accidents.

**A word of caution: some children may find toilet training discouraging or humiliating if they have too many accidents in underwear. So it is a good idea for the child to have some "successes" either in diapers or pull-ups before you put underwear on. **

With these thoughts in mind, we are getting closer and closer to independent toileting. Making sure your child is both physically and psychologically ready, and setting the stage are two of the most important steps in toileting success!

A2---Potty Training Readiness

2006-12-20T14:05:00.001+07:00

As children approach 2 years of age, parents frequently start thinking about toilet training. What is the "right" age? Depending on whom you ask, the "right" age may range from as young as 6 months to 3 years. While age can be used as a determining factor, there are several others to address. The most important factors are not necessarily age, but rather physiologic, physical and psychological readiness.

Before a child can be "toilet trained", she must have attained a certain amount of physiologically readiness, namely "bladder readiness". In infancy, babies frequently are unable to hold large amounts of urine in their bladder and void small amounts. As a child grows older, her bladder becomes more mature, and is able over time to hold larger amounts of urine between voids. This comes hand in hand then with the additional ability to be able to increase the interval between voids. When you notice that your child is dry at longer intervals ( i.e. dry after a nap or for at least 2 hours) and is voiding large amounts at a time, then that is a sign that your child may be physiologically ready for toilet training.

Another component, which overlaps with psychological readiness, is the ability of your child to recognize that she is voiding (i.e. if your child does not recognize when she is voiding, toilet training is virtually impossible). Some children start showing some signs of "bladder readiness" around 2 years of age. Most will attain it by three years of age.

Another component of readiness is physical readiness. This includes the ability to walk well (to and from the bathroom), to be able to pull pants up and down, and the ability to get on and off the toilet/potty chair fairly independently. While this may seem like a "given", think about grandmas who claim their children were toilet trained at 6 months or a year of age. Some kids are not even walking at a year, how could they be toilet trained?

The last component is probably the most important: psychological readiness. Or what I like to call willingness! If a child is not bothered by a wet or dirty diaper, if she is uninterested or unwilling to sit on the potty, believe me, you are not going to get very far. As the saying goes, you can place a toddler on a potty, but you can't make her pee. Toddlers quickly learn that they can control their bodily functions.

Once your child is showing all these components of toilet training readiness, most experts recommend waiting at least three months before you start toilet training to ensure that all is set. This is a good time to "set the stage" for toilet training as well (letting her observe others using the toilet, introducing books or videos on the subject, starting to talk about them using the potty soon).

Last but not least, look at yourself and your family situation. In order for toilet training to be as painless and smooth as possible, make sure that you AND your child are ready. Some kids toilet train quite easily, while for others it becomes what seems like a long drawn out battle. If you are incredibly busy at work, moving to a new house or a new baby is due soon, it's ok to wait a few months to let things settle down. This is probably one of the biggest steps for your child and it's worth it to wait.

Just remember, all good things come with time. Or as my then 3 and a half year old son said "You have to be patient, and then the pee will come".

A1---Potty Training

2006-12-20T14:04:00.001+07:00

Most children show signs of readiness to begin using the toilet as toddlers, usually between 18 months and 3 years of age.

These signs include staying dry for at least 2 hours at a time, having regular bowel movements, being able to follow simple instructions, being uncomfortable with dirty diapers and wanting them to be changed, asking to use the potty chair, or asking to wear regular underwear. You should also be able to tell when your child is about to urinate or have a bowel movement by his facial expressions, posture or by what he says. If your child has begun to tell you about having a dirty diaper you should praise him for telling you and encourage him to tell you in advance next time.

You should choose a potty chair once your child has shown that he is ready to begin toilet training. You can have him decorate it with stickers and sit on it with his clothes on to watch TV, etc. to help him get used to it. Whenever your child shows signs of needing to urinate or have a bowel movement you should ask him if he wants to use the potty or take him to the chair and explain to him what you want him to do.

Only keep him seated for a few minutes at a time, don't insist and prepared to delay training if he shows resistance. Until he is going in the potty, you can try to empty his dirty diapers into his potty chair to help demonstrate what you want him to do.

Things to avoid when toilet training your child are beginning during a stressful time or period of change in the family (moving, new baby, etc.), pushing your child too fast, and punishing mistakes (treat accidents and mistakes lightly). Be sure to go at your child's pace and show strong encouragement and praise when he is successful.

Parent Talk

2006-12-20T14:03:00.003+07:00

About Chick Moorman

A Distinguished Educator....

A Captivating speaker....

Chick Moorman is an experienced educator with over 35 years of experience in the field of education. A former classroom teacher, he is currently the Director of the Institute for Personal Power which provides skill-based workshops for educators and parents. Mr. Moorman has conducted training sessions and led school improvement processes for over 400 school districts.

Chick Moorman has authored 6 books including the highly acclaimed "Parent Talk: How To Talk To Your Child In Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibilit y," and "Spirit Whisperers: Teachers Who Nourish A Child's Spirit." His free newsletter on raising response-able young people is distributed bi-monthly to interested parents and educators.

Chick Moorman, author, father, and grandparent thought he had done it all. At different times in his life he experienced full-time parenting, weekend parenting, and step-parenting. He also single-parented his teenage son for several years.

After 15 years of traveling around the country teaching other people how to parent, without warning, he became another statistic in the ever-growing number of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren.

Chelsea, age 15, and Austin, age 11, now live with Chick full time, and had to adjust to a new school, new state, and new experiences for them. Chick's life changed overnight as he became one of only 125,000 men raising children as a single grandfather. "No more dancing past midnight," says Chick, "No more stopping at a convenience store to get a soda without requests from two others."

Chick has learned some things since his grandchildren came to live with him over a year ago. He learned its alot easier to travel all over the country telling people how to raise children than it is to have two children living with you full time. He also learned the skills he wrote in Parent Talk work if you work the skills. Chick is grateful for "the incredible blessings that occur with two children in your life," and for the Parent Talk skills which he now uses every day.

Mr. Moorman lives in Merrill, MI where he relaxes by riding his Arabian horse, Spartan. Information on his workshops, seminars and products are available at www.chickmoorman.com .

Fear of Failure

2006-12-20T14:03:00.001+07:00

Fear of Failure:
A Childhood Epidemic

Fear of failure among children in America today is at epidemic proportions. Fear of failure causes children to experience debilitating anxiety before they take a test, compete in a sport, or perform in a recital. It causes them to give less than their best effort, not take risks, and, ultimately, never achieve complete success.

Cause of Fear of Failure

Children get this destructive perspective on failure from American popular culture. Popular culture defines failure as being poor, anonymous, powerless, unpopular, or physically unattractive. On television and in the movies, the losers—nerds, unattractive people, poor athletes—are teased, bullied, and rejected. With this definition of failure, popular culture has created a culture of fear and avoidance of failure. It has conveyed to children that if they fail, they will be ostracized by their peers and branded as losers for life!

Parents Make Things Worse

Many parents have fallen under American popular culture's spell of failure as well. They've compounded the harm that failure can inflict on children by also connecting their own love and approval with it. The message children get is "I won't love you if you get bad grades." They come to see failure as a threat to their personal and social standing.

The Stigma of Failure

There is no greater stigma in American popular culture than being labeled a loser. The expression loser has become an oft-used and enduring symbol in popular culture. To be called a loser is, to paraphrase a well-known sports cliché, worse than death because you have to live with being a loser.

Avoiding Failure

Children learn that they can avoid failure three ways:

Children don't engage in an activity in which they fear failure. If children don't participate, they're safe from failure. Injury, illness, damaged equipment, forgotten or lost materials, apparent lack of interest or motivation, or just plain refusal to take part are common ways in which children can avoid failure and maintain their personal and social esteem.
Children can also avoid failure by failing in an activity, but protect themselves from the failure by having an excuse—"I would have done well, but I just didn't feel like it" or "I would have done just fine, but the teacher was totally unfair." Because their failures were not their fault, children can't be held responsible and popular culture and their parents must continue to accept and love them.
Many children don't have the luxury of not taking part or coming up with excuses, for example, children can't just not go to school. So another way that children can avoid failure is to get as far away from failure as possible by becoming successful. But children who are driven to avoid failure are stuck in limbo between failure and real success, what I call the "safety zone," in which the threat of failure is removed, for example, they have a B+ average or finish in the top 10 in their sport, but they are unwilling to intensify their efforts to fully achieve success.

The Value of Failure

Failure is an inevitable—and essential—part of life. Failure can bolster the motivation to overcome the obstacles that caused the failure. It shows children what they did wrong so they can correct the problem in the future. Failure connects children's actions with consequences which helps them gain ownership of their efforts. Failure teaches important life skills, such as commitment, patience, determination, decision making, and problem solving. It helps children respond positively to the frustration and disappointment that they will often experience as they pursue their goals. Failure teaches children humility and appreciation for the opportunities that they're given.

Of course, too much failure will discourage children. Success is also needed for its ability to bolster motivation, build confidence, reinforce effort, and increase enjoyment. As children pursue their life goals, they must experience a healthy balance of success and failure to gain the most from their efforts.

Defining Failure

To protect children from popular culture's destructive definitions of failure, give them positive definitions of failure. I define failure in ways that encourage children to value rather than fear it.

Failure is not living in accordance with their values. When children cheat, lie, or don't take responsibility for themselves, then they fail.
When children buy into popular culture's definition of success, for example, being overly concerned with popularity or appearance, then they fail.
Failure involves children not giving their best effort, making poor decisions, and not doing what is in their best interest.
When children look for the easy way out, are influenced by peer pressure, and act in ways that can hurt them, then they fail.
Failure also means treating others poorly and not giving back to their families, communities, and the world as a whole. When children are selfish, uncaring, and disrespectful of the world in which they live, then they fail.

Giving children a definition of failure that takes away the fear liberates them from that fear. It also frees them to strive for success without reservation, to explore, take risks, and vigorously pursue their dreams. Children will know in their hearts that some failure is okay and in no way a negative reflection on themselves as people. Finally, failure will ultimately enable them to achieve success, however they define it.

Getting Kids To Do Chores

2006-12-20T14:02:00.001+07:00

Dear Mr. Dad: It's nearly impossible to get my kids to do anything around the house. I know I must sound like my own mother, but when I was young, my siblings and I had a whole list of chores to do every day. And we did them without complaining. Is there anything I can do to get my kids to cooperate a little more?

A: Once upon a time, even the youngest kids had clear-cut duties around the house. It might have been bringing in firewood, feeding the chickens, or whitewashing fences. For better or worse, however, those days are long gone.

Today, it's a lot more likely that getting a child to do a chore as small as loading the dishwasher or taking out the garbage once a week will be like pulling teeth. Even worse, when you do ask a kid to so something, there's a good chance she'll demand to know "How much am I going to get paid for doing this?" Frustrating, but at least you can take some comfort in knowing that that your child has a firm grasp on how the free enterprise system works.

Sure, special jobs, like painting that shed in the backyard, or helping you replant your garden might involve some type of payment (which could be cash or something like a trip to a ballgame), most jobs around the house should just fall under the general heading of "family duties."

No one gets paid for setting the table, making dinner, or cleaning off the dishes. These are things that family members do to contribute to the running of the house. A child's weekly allowance should be independent of chores. In other words, don't tie taking out the garbage to a direct payment.

The trick to instilling a domestic work ethic in your child is two-fold: Lead by example and start early. From the earliest age, your kids look at you for clues on how to act. If they see that you don't put your things away, hang up your clothes, clear your dishes from the table, and so on, they'll get the signal loud and clear that they can leave stuff around for someone else to pick up—that's going to be you.

On the other hand, if you start with making your toddler put away his toys when he's done playing with them and have him straighten up his room once a day, you'll help him develop the habit of chipping in when there's work to be done. As the kids get older, their duties around the house should expand to fit their abilities.

You didn't mention this, but I'm sure that since you have more than one child, you often hear complaints from the older ones about having to do more than the younger ones. The way to deal with this is to remind the older ones of some of the privileges they have that that the younger siblings don't.

Of course, no one wants to turn their children into little domestic slaves, but having a clearly defined list of chores (posting a written list is often helpful), along with who's responsible for doing each one is an important facet of family life.

Finally, build some flexibility into your system. If one of the kids needs to spend a lot of time on a big project, make some allowances. You might offer to do the child's chores for him in exchange for an equal amount of time spent on other household chores later on.

Reverse Psychology

2006-12-20T14:01:00.000+07:00

Even parents who don't effectively use other parenting techniques, like time-out, using natural and logical consequences, distraction or extinction, likely know about reverse psychology.

Using this technique, to get your kids to finish their dinner, you might say something like:

"I bet you can't eat all of those peas in 30 seconds."

or when trying to get him to put away a toy, you might say:

"I'll put it away for you. You probably don't know how to fit it all back in the box anyway."

So you are essentially trying to get your child to do the exact opposite of what you really want him to do.

This should not be confused with trying to make chores fun. If you say 'let's see who can put more toys away in 5 minutes,' then that isn't reverse psychology, since you are actually telling him to do what you what him to do.

It also can work to 'encourage' your child to not do something that they really want to do. For example, you might try to scare your child into not crossing the street by saying:

"OK. Go ahead and cross the street by yourself. You'll just get hit by a car..."

Does Reverse Psychology Work

Parents who use reverse psychology as a discipline technique recognize that it can work. But is it good parenting?

If your child is getting bad grades, is it really a good idea to say:

"That's okay. You're probably not smart enough to make better grades anyway"?

Some kids might study more after being told that by a parent, but many others will simply think that they aren't smart and should stop trying to make better grades.

When using reverse psychology, if you consider that you are more 'manipulating' your child than anything else, then all of a sudden it takes on a more negative tone and doesn't seem like good parenting. After all, discipline is supposed to be about teaching, isn't it?

Also, reverse psychology doesn't always work. And when it does, a more traditional discipline technique would likely have worked just as well.

Using Reverse Psychology

If you do use reverse psychology, don't use it often. And don't use it in a way that might hurt your child's self-esteem or make him feel guilty.

For example, if your toddler or preschooler doesn't want to take a bath in the evening, you might say 'okay, let's just go straight to bed then.' That will probably work, because most younger kids would rather do almost anything than go to bed early.

Or if she doesn't want to sit in her car seat, you might say 'fine, then we just won't go to the zoo.'

Why are these examples more appropriate then the ones mentioned above? While you are still trying to get your child to do something that they don't want to do, you are offering them choices instead of simply trying to manipulate them in a negative way to do something.

Using pure reverse psychology, for the kids not wanting to take a bath, a parent would probably say:

"OK, don't take a bath. Then you will smell bad and no one will like you" or "you will get sick from the germs on your body and have to go to the emergency room"

So go ahead and use reverse psychology, as long as you don't mind paying for years of therapy later on to boost your child's self-esteem and fix any damage you do...

USA--News---Single parenting no picnic for mother

2006-12-16T16:00:00.000+07:00

Single parenting no picnic for mother

by: TIM JOHNSON, Staff Writer

Sometimes, just paying the bills is hard enough without the expense of holiday meals and gifts. But most parents want to try to make the season special for their children, and that creates a challenge.

A woman wrote to Goodfellows recently to request help for a single mother with three children, ages 16, 15 and 13.

"The mother works but recently stopped receiving child support for her three children, so money is tight and she isn't able to do much for her family at this time of year," the friend wrote. "In the past, she has let bills slide to be able to afford a couple of presents for each child; but for the past year, she has worked really hard at being responsible and keeping all her living expenses current and not past due. It would be a shame to see her slip back into a bad habit because she wants her children to have a Christmas gift or two.

"Being a single parent myself, I can understand her depression over the fact that she may not be able to do anything without falling behind in her bills."

Another woman asked for help for a widow who is raising three of her grandchildren.

"She lost her husband 10 years ago at the age of 44 years old from a heart attack, and things have been hard for her since," the woman wrote. She does her best on making sure the bills are paid and that there is always food on the table for those kids. But after that, she has no money left to buy anything else. She is on a fixed income. She is very upset about not being able to give her grandkids much of a Christmas this year."

Goodfellows raises money to provide holiday dinners and gifts for needy southwest Iowa families. The program uses certificates that can be redeemed for food or toys at participating stores. Southwest Iowans showed their caring nature last year by contributing more than $30,000 to the Goodfellows program.

Donations may be sent to Goodfellows, The Daily Nonpareil, P.O. Box 797, Council Bluffs, IA 51502.

The Iowa West Foundation has offered to match contributions dollar for dollar.

4 Ways To Give Your Child Trust

2006-12-14T13:32:00.000+07:00

4 Ways To Give Your Child Trust

Be There

Let your child talk. What was their day like? Ask, "How did that make you feel?" Allow your child to openly express ideas, feelings and worries. Listen. Do not lecture. Be available. Encourage your child to express feelings creatively by keeping a diary or drawing

Be Consistent

Establish a reliable routine. A clear and consistent routine helps a child feel safe and secure. Clear-cut rules help a child learn what is right and wrong. Be consistent!

Let Your "No" Be No

If you say "no" to your child, make sure you both understand what that means and keep to the rule. Then act quickly (seconds), firmly and safely when it is challenged. Carry out any threatened punishment. Do not yell. Your child wants to know that your "no" means no.

No Secrets

Tell your child it is never good to keep a secret that feels bad or confusing.

9 Ways To Positively Cope With Difficult Behaviour

2006-12-14T13:30:00.000+07:00

9 Ways To Positively Cope With Difficult Behaviour

Establish House Rules

Make simple rules for your child. Start with a few "things we do and don't do." Discuss them with your child.

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

If you feel that your child's behaviour is beginning to get out of control, "nip it in the bud" by distracting your child's attention onto a positive activity or game.

Understand Your Child's Behaviour

Define simply and clearly any difficult behaviour. Keep a diary of what led up to the behaviour and what immediately followed it. From this, see if there is a pattern. What are the triggers and consequences which might be keeping the behaviour going? What are the "pay-offs" to your child - are you giving the behaviour a lot of attention and "giving in for a quiet life"? DON'T blame yourself but work at changing your responses.

Discipline With Short Time-Outs

Try to view discipline in a different way e.g. if a rule is broken, discipline with a time out a short, quiet time alone, without play. Alternatively ignore minor behaviour difficulties as your attention will often inadvertently encourage the very behaviour you want to stop.

Take Five

When tensions and anger rise in you or your child take five. Take five minutes to cool down and to ask yourself, "Why am I getting so angry?" Try to identify the real problem, then find the solution.

Never Strike In Anger

Research has shown that hitting your child does not help, and can do more damage. Try to avoid striking your child in anger. Smacking is not effective in reducing poor behaviour, as it does not teach children good behaviour.

No Yelling Allowed

Words hurt, too. Try to avoid yelling at your children in anger. Do not put down your children. If they break a rule, tell them what they did wrong and why that makes you angry. Be angry at what they did, NOT at who they are.

Get Away

When you feel frustrated, angry or overwhelmed, let your feelings out safely away from your children. Call a friend over or leave your children with someone trustworthy. Get out. Exercise. Do not stay alone with your children when you are overwhelmed. Get help and support.

Call The Helpline (UK Only)

If things are getting on top of you call Parentline (01703 694013) or the FREE NSPCC Helpline (0800 800500) for practical advice and support. They will always offer a listening ear.

Understanding Your Child's Behaviour!

2006-12-13T22:24:00.000+07:00

In order to understand why your child is misbehaving it is extremely useful to keep a diary:

Identify one behaviour that you would like to change. Be as specific as you can e.g. wont do as s/he is told, hitting, demands things, whines. Write the behaviour down.
When the behaviour occurs, write down what led immediately up to it (triggers) and what happened afterwards (consequences)? Also record how you behave and feel? Please use (print) the form if this is helpful.
After a week try to see if there is a pattern to the behaviour. When is it occurring (times, situations)? Who is it occurring with? What are the triggers? What are the consequences or "pay-offs" for your child? Often this is related to getting attention, "winding-up", getting their own way ("giving in for a quiet life").
Ask yourself what is my child learning from the way I respond to the behaviour? Am I setting limits and boundaries consistently ?
Once you have a clear picture you are ready to change the pattern by changing the triggers and consequences. You may have to try and ignore certain behaviour, try not to give in, remove certain privileges, look and sound as if you mean it when asking you child to do something. Most importantly concentrate on encouraging and rewarding good behaviour!

1st parenting info

B6---Time Out

B5---Discipline Techniques

B4---Effective Discipline Tips

B3---Encouraging Good Behavior

B2---Parenting Styles

B1---Discipline Guide

Important Reminders about Discipline:

A6---Potty Training Problems

Problem #1: Your child is toilet trained at daycare/preschool but refuses to use the toilet at home.

Problem #2: Your child is completely urine trained. However, she continues to refuse to use the potty for bowel movements and specifically requests a diaper when she needs to have a bowel movement.

Problem #3: You know that your child can use the potty, but she is being very erratic and staying motivated seems to be the problem.

A5---Potty Training Resistance

A4---Starting Potty Training II

Patience! Patience! Patience!

Two steps forward, one step back.

Know when to back off

A3---Starting Potty Training

A2---Potty Training Readiness

A1---Potty Training

Parent Talk

Fear of Failure

Fear of Failure: A Childhood Epidemic

Cause of Fear of Failure

Parents Make Things Worse

The Stigma of Failure

Avoiding Failure

The Value of Failure

Defining Failure

Getting Kids To Do Chores

Reverse Psychology

Does Reverse Psychology Work

Using Reverse Psychology

USA--News---Single parenting no picnic for mother

4 Ways To Give Your Child Trust

9 Ways To Positively Cope With Difficult Behaviour

Understanding Your Child's Behaviour!

Fear of Failure:
A Childhood Epidemic